It looks good, but why does it feel so bad?

After that first post, I let go a huge sigh of relief. I had some things I needed to say about this town! And I'd said them, or at least like 10% of them. And that makes me feel better. It makes me reflect on my griping and moaning and through that somehow, I'm able to see more positive aspects of Austin than I was able to see before. But I'm not done bitching yet.

To continue on through the list of golden promises set forth by this city and its inhabitants (the ones I've met mind you), I'd like to next discuss the "things to do" promise. As I said before, pre-move Austin seemed a veritable Pleasure Island...but a Pleasure Island for weirdos, like me. (If you don't remember Pleasure Island, go watch your Disney movies). Record conventions, drag shows, mustache contests, slip-n-slide parties, sock hops, Eastern European disco parties, you name it, it happened here. And by the way, I'm not making up anything on that list; that's all stuff that's actually happened here. So in that way, the city's delivered. It's true! There's wildly ridiculous stuff to do here almost every week, if not every weekend. That's what I was looking for! Why am I not happy then?! Why am I yelling all these questions?!

The closest to an answer that I've come up with yet is that same ole' nemesis that has haunted me all my days. That fucking problem that lies just outside my door, every day of my life, confronting me, testing me, bringing me to the brink of total self-destruction. That's right: it's other people.

I'm a misanthrope, just like everybody else. And I'm not going to try to make the case that I hate people more than most, or more than you. Shit, you're reading a blog which means you must not like actual interaction with other folks. But really, it's not that I don't like people, I just wish people were different than how they are. I wish they were nicer, were more interesting, had better taste in things, had something new or witty or inappropriate to say. On the whole, interactions with people are Boring. But I realize that there are times when this is expected, even dare I say, preferred. Take an office job for instance. Sure it's fun to work with someone who's always saying something that weirds everybody out (I almost always want to immediately ask them to go to lunch so we can discuss it), but my dislike for people being the way it is, I'd rather just have 1-2 second acknowledgments of others' existence and move on. Having good interaction with co-workers can highlight just how shitty and boring the rest of your day is and that sucks. So I say, keep it short, keep it boring, I'll wait for the copier in silence thank you and discuss your ugly shoes with my husband when I get home.

But, crazy parties are a different story. I expect nothing but witty banter, clever quips, genuinely funny stories and so on. There's nothing worse than having a boring conversation at a truly interesting party. I always feel like I'm being held against my will, like I'm missing the most interesting conversation that's going on just right over there and I have...............to..........get out............right...................now!

(This makes me a bad listener by the way. Notice that I'm not really into having a conversation per se, just being entertained. Hey, it may be shitty. At least I'm being honest about it.)

So finally, to Austin, to the reason for this whole thing. In my (limited in time but varied in theme) experience of going out in this town, to those crazy parties and get-togethers that must have been thought up by creative and talented people, I've been bored out of my mind. It's like the folks that thought up the party didn't actually go to the party. And there's a discouraging and gross lack of enthusiasm. For god's sake, if you go through the trouble of getting this whole thing together, you rent the venue and you get dressed up, JESUS! Can it kill you to act like you want to be there? Or you're excited about it?

Beyond that (which I ultimately think is just a product of being young and still believing in this thing called "cool") I haven't encountered a great conversation at one of these things yet. No talk of music, no talk of movies, no talk of politics (certainly not politics, how uncool.) Now to be fair, I have met a small group of dudes that have great conversations and have great taste in all the things that matter. It's very promising. The only hiccup--they like to have "Dude's nights" and guess who's not invited to those?

So I guess this is what I'm saying--the nightlife here in Austin looks great, but it feels like shit. I was at this thing a few nights ago at the Zilker Park Club House; it has an incredible view. You can see the entire city's skyline, from campus to downtown to the river and Zilker Park. It was beautiful. It looked like an exciting and bustling city; it looked like it was full of promise and youth; it looked as if it were there waiting for someone to just come experience it. And as I was looking at it, I couldn't shake what I really knew about the city--that all those crazy antics it loves to brag out, that weirdness it has tried to preserve and tout to the rest of the country, that it may all be just some good ideas that got ruined by their originators. And in their pursuit of weirdness, forgot somewhere along the way how to be actual people, with actual interests and view points and opinions worth sharing.

I'm gonna keep trying to find some interesting people to talk to, but if they're wearing a Keep Austin Wierd t-shirt, I know to just keeping on walking.